Movie Review -- G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra

Ahh, the summer is here. Can ya smell the CGI? I sure fucking can. Sigh.

I'm not sure that it matters if I do or do not delve into the plot of this new pixel party of a movie, but I will, just in case anyone is actually reading these things. Bad guys in weird suits want to take over the world with small green computers that eat everything, and good guys in even weirder suits come flying from the sky in hopes of stopping it all. In short, if you were hoping for some sort of logical plot line, then DO NOT go see this movie. However, if you like being beaten over the head with a barrage of CGI shots for two consistent hours, courtesy of Steven Summers of course, then by all means, go see G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra.

On top of the movie practically not having a fucking story, the little story that it does have is riddled with plots holes to the point of embarrassment. Very little is explained, and when things do occur up on that silver screen, the audience has to fill in many of the blanks. The twists in the movie are of course preposterous, and the cheese factor is unbearable at points.

Now, with all of that complaining out of the way, this is exactly what I expected from this movie. If you are going to go see this movie in hopes of catching an early Oscar winning performance, trust me, that's not what you are going to get. The acting in this movie is beyond atrocious. However, the movie itself knows what it is, and it knows what its trying to do. Is it cheesy? Of course, it's fraking G.I. Joe. Steven Summers clearly has his tongue planted firmly into the side of his cheek. This might be the only reason that this movie was slightly better than the new Transformers, and even then, I'm not to sure that's saying much.

So yeah, I get it, I understand what the guy was trying to do. But in all honesty, it was just lame. Out of the 1 hour and 45 minutes of action sequences (if you do the math, that only leaves about 15 minutes to flesh out the characters), there was only one action sequence, which involved a chase scene through Paris, that I enjoyed. It made me feel like a kid again. Granted, that scene was probably about 30 minutes long, but it just wasn't enough to save the movie as a whole. You know what this movie reminded me of? You remember Street Fighter with Jean Claude, the muscles from Brussels? Yeah, that one, just super upgraded. Take that comment as you will.

Recommendation: When Street Fighter came out, I was 10, and I liked it then. So, I guess if your 10 years old, you should go see this movie.


Rating: 1/4